"Magnolia Blossom and Night Stalker"

Some people are just duHmb, as in "duh"! I mean, after a while, I get to feeling kind of like their own mother must feel. I can be at home minding my own business, when, suddenly, it starts to rain. Then, the next thing I know, I am thinking and worrying to myself, "Gee, I hope that little feller gets out of the rain okay!"

It was very late at night, around 3:00AM, early on a Wednesday morning, October 10, 2001. I was in The Blueberry Hill Forum by myself, busily updating / renewing my nicknames. With the exception of The Fleabag Hotel Forum, all of the other forums were empty. I had the nickname of "Magnolia Blossom" on the side from when I had pulled a joke on "little/BIG Man" some months previous and, at the time, I had just entered the forum under that nickname but, before exiting the forum and moving on to the next nickname, I had to go to the bathroom. When I got back from the bathroom, I saw where "Night Stalker" had come in, said hi, tried to flirt a bit and, because I had not answered, had left.

Earlier, when I was about to enter The Blueberry Hill Forum, I had noticed that he was in The Fleabag Hotel Forum. So, I checked and, sure enough, I saw where he had gone back to The Fleabag Hotel. That is when I got to feeling a bit naughty and decided to send him a private message from The Outside saying that I was sorry, sonny, I didn’t mean to seem rude or anything, but I was doing my wash! And, just as I had guessed that he would do, he came right back, lickety split, his oats literally screaming to be sowed!

"Well, hello, sonny!" Magnolia Blossom greets Night Stalker cheerfully. "Now, why aren’t you out romancing some young filly tonight?"

Night Stalker answers despondently, "Because I no longer have a girl to romance. Even though I baked her favorite cookies and gave her candy and flowers, the last love of my life dumped me for her ex-boyfriend!"

Magnolia Blossom then exclaims, "Well, I am abashed! Yes, that’s what I am, just plain abashed! A nice, strapping young man of 26 such as yourself and not spoken for? I am STUNNED!"

Then, Night Stalker started to stalk his way even further into MY night as he began asking me questions about "myself".

Let me point out that my ASL said that I was 42 / f / Northwest Florida. However, without thinking, I told him that I was from Tallenawga, Wisconsin!

"But your ASL says Northwest Florida," responds Night Stalker. I thought, "Oops!" and began to try to figure my way past my mistake.

Well, I solved the problem easily enough by telling him that I was visiting some relatives in Esto, Florida, and that it was their computer that I was using. (I did not think that there was even such a town as Tallenawga, Wisconsin. I looked it up later and found the answer to be nope! No such place! Yet, as luck would have it, he did not question my place of residence any further.)

"And you know something? This place is dead!" Magnolia Blossom continues, "Why, they don’t even have a Wal-Mart here! Have you ever heard of such?"

"No, sonny," Magnolia Blossom answered. "I have always been a ‘career woman’ and have just not had the time or the opportunity to marry."

It was at this precise point in time that it all just fell into place for me. Yes, sir, I suddenly realized that I had a clear mental picture of this lady that I was pretending to be. I knew just how she looked, how she thought, how she lived and how she didn't live. I knew what her name was and I even knew her serial number! Yes, it seemed that I had known Miss Magnolia Blossom all my life.

I proceeded by telling him that no, I was not on vacation but had just recently retired from the military. I said that I had, just one week before, become a retired colonel of The United States Army. I added that, now that I had the time, I was trying to get back to my roots by seeing some "kin" that I had not seen since my childhood. I told him that I had driven my RV down here, so as not to be a hindrance to them and to have my own space. However, because my RV’s air conditioner was on the out and kept freezing up on me, I had accepted their invitation to stay the night in their guest room until I could have the air conditioner looked at the next day. And how did this would-be Romeo respond to this information?

Magnolia Blossom answered Night Stalker’s indirect question by saying, "Oh, yes! I have a lot of health!"

"What do you mean by that?" Night Stalker asked. I remember thinking to myself that he was obviously beginning to get a bit skeptical and, as such, there was a good chance that this conversation was nearly over. As it turned out, I was very, very wrong.

"I mean that I am a very stout woman," Magnolia Blossom replied. "I am 5'11" and I weigh 275 pounds, but it is ALL muscle! I can bench press 300 pounds and run the mile in half the time that it takes many of my young recruits."

"Well, maybe we could get together for a workout," Night Stalker offers, his words literally dripping with innuendo.

Well, at that moment, I was thinking myself to be rather clever as I jumped one hurdle after another with a smoothness that I found to be exhilarating, as well as just downright hilarious!

"But I will tell you something, sonny. There were many a time when my physical prowess was indeed an attribute to my career. Yes, sir! Indeed, there was!"

"Well," Magnolia Blossom explains, "My job in the military was to head the program which rehabilitates small-time felons into ‘Army material’. As such, I frequently encountered young recruits with ATTITUDES, you know? They would come in there thinking that they could just muscle and bully their way right on over me, since I am female. Heeheehee. You can be sure that I showed them different in no time at all, I did!"

Confused, Night Stalker says, "Huh? Who said anything about dinner? I just meant, ... well, never mind." He paused for a few moments of confused silence before typing his next message.

"Well, let’s see here ... Oh! I have brown eyes and very long dark red hair that goes slam down to my rump! But I keep it in a hairnet most of the time because, otherwise, I would be sure to die of the heatstroke, I would! I mean, it gets HOT! You would not believe how hot it gets! So, you just believe me when I say that it does, ok? And it DOES get hot!

It was at this point of the real incident that I just put my head on the wall here and literally wept tears of laughter! Yes, I laughed so hard that I nearly wet my pants! For this reason, Magnolia Blossom tells Night Stalker that she has to go to the "latrine". "Don’t you worry, I will be right back, but I really must go take a whiz!"

I should bring attention to the fact that, up until this time, "the little lady" had been referring to her prospective lover always as "sonny". As to why she called him that, it is possible that it was on account of the difference in their ages, as he was in his mid-twenties and she had just celebrated her 42^nd birthday.

"I do wish that you would not call me ‘sonny’," the Stalker tells the Magnolia. "Please, just call me ‘Brute’, as that’s my name."

I told him that my name was "Daisy" and that, while I was in the Army, I was often called "Daisy Duke" by those with the rank and the muscle to get away with it.

He asked Daisy if she was looking for a "hook-up" while she was down here. I pretended that Daisy did not realize what he meant by the phrase "hook-up".

Daisy says, "Oh, HOW NICE! Now, isn’t that just awfully sweet of you? How nice of you to out and offer such a thing! But, no, thank you. My kin hooked my RV up to their utilities and I am faring quite comfortably! But, HOW NICE!!!!!"

"Oh! Well, I don’t know much about that! I have always been a career woman and have just not had the time! However, lately, I have to admit that I have been having these ‘urges’, if you follow my drift! Heeheehee."

Night Stalker says, "Oh? You mean to tell me that you are a 42-year-old virgin and now you want to get laid?"

"Yes, I am," Daisy maintains. "I am 42 and a virgin, but ‘laid’? Laid where, sonny? I’m sorry. I mean, Brute."

Well, he tried to hook the little ol’ Daisy up and said he wanted to meet her at a hotel. I just got his number and told him that I would try to call, but my kin had so many outings planned, I was not sure if I could.